Lessons in Life
by yoyoente
Summary: Multiple humorous one-shots mainly covering the 'what not to dos' of Harry Potter's wizarding world.
1. Parseltongue

**A/N: **_So I got this idea from another world of fanfiction and just had to run with it here. Haven't you ever thought "hey, I wonder what would happen to Harry Potter if such and such were to happen...man that'd be bad." Well, I hope to have many and wonderful bouts of wisdom and humor for you all to read. Enjoy._

**I do not own any of J.K Rowling's works or characters.**

**Life Lessons:**** Parseltongue**

_Do not test combining spell incantations on your own. Things tend to go wrong. Very, very wrong._

Hermoine was sitting in her dorm room looking in her most advanced _Book of Spells_. She had been contemplating the idea that certain spells could be combined or modified to be more effective. It seemed logical, the only thing left to do would be to try it out. She even had a list of combinations she had already made out that she wished to try. Some of them she thought were just silly and wouldn't work, but thought she ought to try them anyway.

Making sure that she was alone in her dormitory and that there was a warning ward on the door, to let her know if someone was going to open it, Hermoine turned back to her list, took a deep breath and began.

She thought it wouldn't work, really, but wanted to try it out anyway. So with a vague swish of her wand, she recited the incantation"_Serpensortia maximus!"_

Very surprisingly, a 30 or so foot long Anaconda suddenly appeared where Hermoine's wand was pointed, a good five feet above the ground. The floor seemed to shake with the impact of the tightly coiled snake.

The snake that had looked complacent upon arrival, immediately took offense to being dropped several feet and began hissing and uncoiling itself, moving towards the only one it could blame the event on: Hermoine.

"Oh…oh…my…stupefy! Stupefy! STUPEFY!" Feeling rather panicked after her strongest stunning spell had no affect, Hermoine ran as quickly as she could to and out the door. "Harry! HARRY! Oh my god…HARRY!"

A very bemused Harry Potter stood at the bottom of the girl's staircase, refusing to touch them for fear of the alarm that would go off. His bushy haired friend quickly came into view, still shouting his name. The look of terror on her face quickly dismissed the possibility that this was some sort of trick to make a fool of himself, so he did the only this he could think of.

Harry stepped up the first two steps leading to the girl's dormitory rooms and then quickly jumped back down. The alarm that started wailing mostly drowned out Hermoine's incessant yelling of his name and the stairs turning into a slide allowed her to reach the bottom of the stairs much quicker. Unfortunately, the thing that had been following also slid, uncontrollably, down the stairs.

At first glance it was just a mass of moving scales, but scales were something Harry was all too familiar with. _A snake…great…._

The snake in question slid, with a great crash, into several arm chairs. The students in the immediate area began pouring out of the portrait hole, shrieking the whole way.

"Hermoine, how the bloody hell did you get a snake that _big_ in your dorm room?" At Hermoine's blank look of shock, Harry turned to the rest of the crowd. After a brief muttered _sonorous_ Harry spoke. "Shut _up_! I speak to snakes in case any of you lot has forgotten, and I won't be able to hear it with all your screaming."

A hush fell over the common room as all the students turned to watch and see if Harry Potter could really get this mammoth of a snake to listen to him. Said snake was throwing quite a hissy fit in its own way, trying to get free of its own coils, the armchairs it had run into, as well as find traction on the smooth floor. Harry could hear the snake swearing profusely about traps, food that was too smart, and noisy, noisy creatures that were running away.

"Uh…" unsure where to start, Harry took a very brave closer step to the snake in hopes of getting its attention. "Stop, please." Immediately the snake stopped thrashing and looked intently at the creature that could speak its tongue.

The students let out a sigh of relief just as Professor McGonagall walked through the portrait hole. "What on earth has…oh. Oh my." The deputy Headmistress stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the large predator in the room. The cat in her told her to run, run now, but she refused to fall into instinct, especially with so many of her students in danger. "What…" Her eyes traveled from the snake to the persons closest to it: Harry Potter and Hermoine Granger. Of course it would have something to do with them. "How did this snake get here?" Minerva was very proud of the fact that her voice was calm, collected and confident. Not at all like the insides of her that were quaking in fear and confusion.

"Well Professor. I don't actually know. Hermoine came running and screaming down the stairs…" Harry broke off to scold the snake back into staying still, it had been inching closer to him, no doubt hungry. "With this snake chasing after her. I guess she must have conjured it?"

They both turned to Hermoine expectantly, but the poor girl was still white with shock as she continued muttering, "it wouldn't stun. Didn't work. Why wouldn't it stun?" Both student and teacher frowned and then turned back to the snake.

"Hm….Let's see." Harry raised his wand after studying the snake for a few seconds. Just as he pointed and spoke, the snake lunged forward. "Stupefy," Harry said very firmly. The lunging snake fell bonelessly to the ground, stunned.

Both Professor McGonagall and Hermoine turned wide eyes back on Harry, who simply shrugged. "It's like a giant, you had to hit him in the eyes. The scales seemed to just bounce back any spells. Now," Harry turned toward his friend, "how was it that this snake came about?"

Suddenly very nervous with both her head of house and best friend looking at her, Hermoine fidgeted. "Well, you see, lately I've been researching how useful spells that have been modified or combined are…and this was well, a, uh, result."

Professor McGonagall gave her best student a raised eyebrow. "A result of which spell might I ask?"

Hermoine flushed under such a strong gaze before mumbling out the incantation.

"Huh…handy." Both Hermoine and Professor McGonagall turned toward Harry in astonishment. "Well, not for _you_ obviously. But imagine I get ambushed by a group of Death Eaters again. As long as Voldemort's not around, I could just conjure a massive snake into the middle of their group and tell it to have fun."

Professor McGonagall's astonished gaze turned into something more thoughtful and sinister. A rather scary smile spread across her face. "Yes, I imagine that might work rather well Mr. Potter." Harry returned her smile before turning back to the snake and frowning.

"I suppose we could try various spells to try and be rid of it?" The Professor offered weakly. To be truthful, she had no idea how to get rid of a snake that large.

A truly wicked smile curved Harry's lips. "No…I don't think that's necessary. I believe I have the _perfect_ _place_ for this here snake." With a practiced swish and flick of the wand, Harry levitated the large pile of snake and headed towards the door.

"What? Where?" Professor McGonagall squawked.

"I was thinking of a certain chamber….no need to kill the animal, and if we happen to ever be under attack here, I'll already have a snake handy."

Professor McGonagall's mouth opened and shut soundlessly, several times. After watching the boy walk off with the snake floating before him, she had to admit to herself, _well, why not?_


	2. Lust Spell Gone Wrong

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of J.K. Rowlings characters. I only borrow them on occassion. **

**---**

**Life Lessons: Lust Spell Gone Wrong**

_Never turn your back on a girl you've just turned down. She may not take no for an answer._

Harry made it two steps before he heard her mumble something behind him. He turned, feeling a very odd sensation travel up his spine.

---

Severus Snape would have liked nothing more than to leave Harry Potter to his fate, but he knew the other student was a Gryffindor and he couldn't help but take points.

"Ms. Vane! 50 points from Gryffindor for attacking another student! Mr. Potter-" Severus cut himself off when he met the boys eyes. A shiver went down his spine. His instincts were screaming at him to run.

A slow predatory smile spread across Harry's face. Severus shivered, despite his best effort not to.

He looked from the girl who had the look that was most typically found on a Gryffindor that had just been caught in the act of doing something very wrong, back to Potter and then back to the girl, horrifying realization settling in.

"Professor," Harry _purred_ as he took another step towards his teacher.

Severus backed up a step unable to keep his mouth from opening and closing in silent horror. The girl looked almost as horrified as the older man, but he knew that was impossible.

A strangled sound was released from Severus' throat when his least favorite student reached him, a hand coming up to stroke his chest.

"I know we've never really gotten along, Professor," again, Potter positively _purred_ the title. "But I think you'll find, we're a lot more alike than you ever thought."

The younger man took a step closer, bringing himself flush with his teacher, and swiftly kissed him on the mouth.

A thud could be heard as Romilda Vane fainted dead away.

Severus finally got his mind working again when he felt his student's tongue pressed against his lips. He reared back and pulled out his wand at the same time.

"_Stupefy._"

The Boy-Who-Lived collapsed in a heap.

Severus shuddered violently, contemplating murder before shaking his head and straightening up.

"Two hundred points from Gryffindor."

---

Harry woke up groggy and confused in what he immediately knew to be the hospital wing. He blinked dumbly at the ceiling for a moment before his face went blank in shock.

---

Severus watched from several feet away as Harry Potter's eyes seemed to get wider and wider before finally they screwed shut. The boy rolled on his side and into a ball, clutching at the pillow.

Severus nodded to himself when he heard a moan of absolute horror and embarrassment come from the younger man.

Everything was back to normal.


	3. Pranks

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or any of JK Rowlings wonderful characters, I just borrow them on occasion.

**Pranks**

_Never (ever, ever) make fun of, or question, Fred and George Weasley's pranking skills. They will feel the need to prove themselves._

---

Harry rolled out of bed, not knowing what had woken him up, but that instinct that had kept him alive for the last 15 years was hoppin' up and down with the need to react.

Wand in hand, settling into a half-crouch, Harry observed the room. Everything seemed to be quiet and in order, but something was off.

He looked from bed to bed, checking on his dorm mates before his eyes landed on his best friend's. What was there caused him to stop and stare.

And stare.

Harry shook his head. He _had_ warned Ron, but _noooo_ apparently Ron believed he knew his brother's better than Harry did. Ha.

He snorted once, eyeing the very elaborate rigging system the twins had set up over Ron's bed. Sneaking a look around the room once more, to make sure he was the only one awake, Harry caught sight of Neville's sleepy gaze.

Harry put a finger to his lips, immediately seeing Neville's gaze sharpen and focus on Ron's bed.

A decidedly evil smirk appeared on the normally peaceable Gryffindor's face. Harry's eyebrows rose. Apparently Ron had been a right prick to _everyone_ lately.

A smirk of his own slid across Harry's face as he gestured with his wand, putting a silencing bubble around Ron's bed.

He saw Neville's eyes glitter appreciatively before he gave Harry a nod and rolled back over.

Harry followed his lead, happy that with the silencing spell up he would have a genuine excuse as to why he didn't bail his friend out.

After all, if he couldn't hear the yells how was he expected to know that anything was amiss?


End file.
